… because it is Friday night and I have achieved NOTHING I wanted to achieve this week and honestly, it is all my daughter’s fault. If she wasn’t so totally adorable I don’t know that I would keep her.
Granted she is only 15-months-old and one would THINK she isn’t capable of consciously ruining my life but I have a sneaking suspicion she knows exactly what she is doing.
Today, Chilli has torn up Monkey’s homework, ripped the legs off her other sisters favourite doll, eaten dirty cat litter, posted the entire contents of the dirty clothes basket into the toilet, thrown her father’s thong (don’t go there…I mean shoe, not underwear) into the fish pond and twice tried to launch herself off our four-metre high balcony.
She is a two-foot tall terrorist. I gotta keep one step ahead at all times. She targets the people and things that I love. She is a fanatic – maximum damage, maximum impact. She is fast and she is determined. I live in fear… and she knows it… and she loves it. (Look at that smile, SHE LOVES IT)
Well, I don’t love it. I hate it. Taking care of my toddler is frustrating and boring and mundane and far too often involves cleaning up things that smell really fucking bad.
I love my baby girl. Her smile, crooked and knowing, is my light. Her cuddles, frequent and fierce, are my warmth. She brings me untold joy. But on days like today, when it all gets too much and I think I am going to implode with the frustration and boredom and smell, I fantasise about what life would be like if she hadn’t been born and I weep for those lost opportunities.
To quote one of my favourite comedians Louis C.K.
You look at the face of your beautiful, lovely child and you think two things at the exact same time. I love this kid so much that it has changed my whole life, I love other people more because of how much I love her… she’s completely given value to life that didn’t exist before… and I regret every decision that lead to her birth!
Can I have those thoughts about my own child? Can I reconcile those feelings? Can I be honest about the ambivalence that I feel and not be vilified?
I don’t know the answer to the third question but to the first two, yes and yes!
If I am honest (and in this space I am) I don’t think I have really reconciled myself to the fact that I have THREE children or to the fact that, at 40, I am chasing a toddler again. It is going to take some work on my part to accept that new definition of me but that is OK because ambivalence and conflicted emotions and frustration and boredom and things that smell fucking terrible are what makes being a mum so fabulous.
The baby is crying (seriously) so I’m going to post this now and go and hold her in my arms until she is comforted back to sleep, because I love her and I am lucky to be her mum.
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Goodnight. Thanks for reading.
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If you thought reading this wasn’t a complete waste of time please press ‘like’ or ‘follow’ or something, cos that makes me feel fabulous.
44andafourth 
Believe me, we are going through the exact same thing this week with our 17-month old. I think it is a combination of teething, asserting independence, and the end of cold and flu season yuckies. My little one went toilet fishing right as I was getting ready to go clean the thing because my 3 year old forgot to close the door while he was going…I feel for ya!
Hi Sarah
Thanks for commenting. I look forward to having a cruise of your blog. Teething is definitely a big issue in our household. Chill is very late getting her teeth so when they start to push through it really is painful. She is miserable and clingy, like a limpit around my neck! Poor little darling! We have three (yes, three) toilets in this house. It is a weird and wonderful quirk of the design (gotta love living in Asia) so no matter how vigilant I am there always seems to be a bathroom door open…. more often than not with an unflushed deposit from my 4 year old!!! Fabulous!
Good times to be had by all! I heard the teething late thing is good and supposed to indicate that their tooth enamel will be stronger. My boy was a little on the late side for teeth and his look a lot better than my oldest girl’s teeth (who got them early)
I have heard that too. Let’s hope so.
Oh God I can relate to every word! Since she arrived I have perfected negative achievement, which is having wayyyyy more shit to do at the end of the day than I did at the beginning! I love her more than life itself but if she wasn’t so damn cute I’d have thrown her in the bin long ago!
Thank you – it’s so reassuring to know I’m not the only one losing my identity and slowly going crazy but not wanting to miss a single second of it. 🙂
Negative Achievement! That is just fabulous. Thank you so much for your kind words. Nice to know I am not alone either.
Mine are now 6 and 3..and the mojo to be me probably starting coming back in the last 6-12 months…before that existence took priority…but what always got me – and still does – is the negative work I do. My three year old is another human tornado who believes every room is his playroom…I tidy one room, the next gets trashed…and then the one I just did, so instead of being the person I want to be I am a hamster in a wheel doing grunt work…there is light, there are kindred spirits…and I know I fought to have my kids (miscarriages/infertility/long story) but that doesn’t mean it is sometimes exhausting and rather soul destroying if you break it down to the minutiae of life…thank God for nativities (always make me cry) activities and nursery! xxxxx
Thanks for your lovely words. It does get easier doesn’t it, though no less chaotic. More fabulous, less fruitless… and always love.
Miss Pip,
It really is the most tedious job in the world (ignoring the millions of third-world factory workers slaving away in shocking conditions for 12-hours shifts making small plastic things).
I have spent the last few years shouting and crying and HATING it. Who put these small sociopathic, self-centred people with no manners in charge? But, luckily you have older girls and you know it gets easier. Suddenly, one day, you are at a garden party with friends and you get to spend the whole time chatting and drinking wine while your children play quietly (OK noisily and destructively).
As Wilson Phillips so wisely sang:
“Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day ”
I am very wise. Maybe I should start a blog, too.
xx
You really are very wise Ms Wild. You are also very, very funny. One correction, I rarely drink wine and chat… more often I skull wine and shout a bit!!
Don’t start a blog, you will steal my 3 followers. But you should write an award-winning comedy series. I’ll produce it. Love you.
Adorable angel children, and saintly mothers are in the same fantasy category as prince charming husbands and IT Help Desks that actually help. As long as you only think about selling your child to the slave traders and don’t actually ever do it, you’re doing just fine.